The time at Wat Pah Nanachat ended abruptly in the face of the coronavirus. Having tonsillitis a few days before didn’t help either and as soon as my parents found out, things were in motion for me to leave a few days earlier than intended. The changes in the mind were quick and apparent. As I got into the rhythm of life as a monk, time passed by very quickly. However, as soon as I was aware that the end was near, time grounded to a halt as the focus was no longer on the moment itself but the impending last day.

The last few days were heavy with contemplation. I had gotten used to the way of life and the offer was there to stay longer. I had never been more at peace but if I stayed, how long would I stay for? If the coronavirus situation took a turn for the worse and the province closed down, how long more would I have to stay? The weather was nice and pleasant now but come summer, would I be able to survive the heat and the humidity?

My experience taught me that the physical challenge was almost always simpler. After all we did not pop out of our mother’s womb with padded shoes, soft bedding and air conditioning. It was always the worry in the mind that would be the real obstacle. After all the practice was about training the mind to see things as they are in the here and now, and not dwell in the past or be concerned with what has yet to come. It was this that would be the final straw.

Every day was a blessing to practice with the Sangha at WPN. However, I also knew that I was very lucky. To become a fully ordained monk there was no trivial task and took almost two years for most. This followed Ajahn Chah’s simple thinking, “Hard to ordain, hard to disrobe. Easy to ordain, easy to disrobe.” It was a case of impostor syndrome, when in reality everyone had been more than welcoming. I would also be lying if I said that I didn’t miss the comfort of lay life, especially as my parents had offered to pick me up in only a few days. The feeling that I didn’t deserve to be there, along with the mind that had become unstable would finally lead me to disrobe a few days earlier.

The act of disrobing itself was simple as it was intended. The practice allowed anyone to do so at any time should they wish. I asked a novice (who by the time of writing had become a fully ordained monk, sathu) to help me find some flowers in the forest to make a bouquet to offer to Tan Ajahn (novices were still permitted to cut branches from trees whereas monks could not) for the ceremony of offering of apology. The bouquet itself left a lot to be desired but I did it myself out of sincerity rather than someone else only for the aesthetics.

Then it was a case of chanting the Pali words to offer thanks and apology to the abbot, and in return he would offer to take up the relatively simpler five precepts compared to the many rules that monks had to live by. I would then change into white clothes and that was it. I spent a few more days in Ubon and visited Ajahn Chah’s memorial to pay respects to the founder of this beautiful tradition.

Not a day goes by when I don’t think of my time in Wat Pah Nanachat and Ubon. The painful alms rounds, the warmth of the laypeople, the draw of nature, the amiable and gentle Sangha. It’s been somewhat difficult to adapt back to lay life again with its hustle and bustle. It’s impossible to relate to certain things the same way again when you’ve spent a period behind those walls. It’s sobering to think of all the various hardships people inflict upon themselves when the greatest gift is one that is within reach of us all. It only takes effort on our part, but it is effort nonetheless.

Conveying my experiences to others after the fact has not been easy, which was not surprising. There’s such a gulf between the way of life and values held within the sanctuary of WPN than those of the outside world. I never thought that contemplating death every day would bring as much contentment as it did. Or that peace could be found with the simplicity of eating one meal a day and living with your breath in meditation. Even the shared concept of time had a very different meaning. Two months as a monk seemed to others as a rather lengthy amount of time. Within the monastery it seemed like no time at all as one was living in the moment. Each day felt quick and passed in exactly the same way.

To say that the entire time was peaceful and filled with contentment would also be inaccurate. Much of my earlier period was filled with hardship. The 60 or so entries of this blog should have been enough to relate that. Just like in lay life, full-time monks have their own set of challenges in the monastery. I don’t really feel qualified to delve into those though as I was there only a short time. I heard that times could get especially tough around the Vassa or the rains retreat which is a three-month period of even more intense training. I never faced any of those challenges however in my time. Most of the tension I felt were in my knees and when the tukkae got into my dwelling.

I have since returned to WPN a couple of times, recently for the Kathina festival, which marked the end of the Vassa. It was great to see the same faces again and feel the calm of the forest. Despite the chaos in the outside world, behind the walls in Ubon lay a sanctuary where men with shaved heads would meditate and go about their lives in a peaceful way. I think this is an aspiration for many who seek the same serenity and simplicity in their lives, yet still struggling with the demands and expectations of modernity.

It is with the same tranquillity that I contemplate how life was then but also grappling with, like everyone else, life in the era of Covid-19. For now in Thailand we may be handling the Covid situation better relative to other countries but instead we have new political problems unique to us. Another day, another set of challenges presents itself. I’m sure this is the same everywhere in the world. So time moves on, like it always has.

I bring this series to a close but the practice continues. The cultivation of mindfulness is not something that’s one and done in two months, but a lifelong process. The foundation is there and stable for now, but who knows what the future may bring. I have nothing but gratitude to the monks and laypeople that I came across in that period. Firstly to Tan Ajahn Jayasaro for the lifelong teachings, the opportunity itself and guidance during the initial period in Chiang Mai. Without his blessing I would never have had this chance. His Dhamma talks can be found everywhere so his teachings are never far away.

Then at WPN it was Tan Ajahn Kevali who would be my guide as the abbot. I learnt the importance of having a daily guide in the Dhamma for reflection and also all the responsibilities that come with being the abbot. There’s so much that went on behind the scenes to maintain the continuity within the walls despite the need to be coupled to the worldly discord. Despite the administrative challenges of being a leader, he was still a monk and the amount of suffering that he had to take on must have been immense. Last time I saw him he had suffered an injury to his knee (a common problem with monks in their practice) and I can only hope that he gets better soon.

Finally it was the whole Sangha of WPN that would show me the way in the day to day, which was in essence the practice itself. This was a key aspect that one wouldn’t necessarily deem important until one started practising as a monk. WPN was uniquely positioned in that there were people from all corners of the world, each with their own perspectives and how they were introduced to the Dhamma. The manner in which they went about their lives was exemplar to myself and many in Ubon, so it was not surprising to see so many guests at and offerings to the monastery. I hope that they continue their life in harmony wherever they end up and be an inspiration for many in the years to come.

Today I returned to morning chanting and it was fine. My knees really weren’t liking it and I guess I will have to get used to it for a while longer. Afterwards I did the mopping and sweeping like before, but with a sudden headache while sweeping I decided to stop, set up my meal seat and went back for an hour nap. We have a lot of time now without the alms round and the nap really helped.

After the meal I had a chat with Tan B. to clarify about the chanting book that all the foreign monks used on Wan Phra. I looked at it and wasn’t overly surprised. It was pretty confusing and not a particularly effective version of Thai-karaoke. He gave me a voice recorder to help record some Thai to English translations so they could have the voice of someone bilingual do it. I thought I would do it later since my throat was not 100% yet but I did it anyway later in the afternoon.

After cleaning my kuti I decided to check out that deck chair at the dye shed to see if I could rest comfortably in it. I was left disappointed as the neck support wasn’t there and it was getting too warm.

Given all the stuff going on, I had a chat with mum and I think it would be wise to leave a week earlier. The problem was that the government were looking to lock down travel between districts and if I don’t go now, I might be stuck here for an unknown amount of time.

I decided that today would be my last day of luxury and got up at around four. I didn’t get out of bed until six though, some affordances were hard to let go. First I went back to my kuti to wash a few things that I had used and picked up a new bathing cloth to wear. Then I came back to the hospital kuti to pick up everything else that I had to use or wash.

I got to the sala by around 7am and said hi to those along the way and told them that I was fine again. I set up the bowl on the asana and it was nice to be back. The way back to the kuti had become rather alien as the whole path had become covered with leaves.

I spent a lot of time washing everything that I had used at the hospital kuti and also things from my own kuti. Before the meal I went to pay respects to Tan Ajahn and he said it’s OK, never mind, being a nice guy as usual. There were two kitchen staff and Wit in the Sala. When we went to pick up the meal there was little compared to the usual but it was still a wonder that there was that much given how few kitchen staff there were and no alms round. Tan Ajahn stressed that we should not waste any food. Some items were almost gone by the time it got to my turn to take the food so I felt really sorry for the novices and the pa kows.

After the meal I spent more time cleaning and hanging things to dry and spent a while in the library looking at the Thai-English transliteration system that Tan B. mentioned. Then I went back to my kuti to do a lot of sweeping and cleaning and by the end it was already afternoon and I was starting to get a small headache again. Maybe I really shouldn’t have pushed myself after all. I still haven’t retrieved the leftover Nam Pana from the hospital kuti yet.

Not having a schedule after Nam Pana was odd and I wasn’t sure what to do. The problem is it gets dark early so everyone goes back to their kutis but it’s still warm and rather uncomfortable. But that’s what I did anyway after showering. I’d expect the other monks to be practising privately and doing the evening chanting themselves. I just laid there on the floor for ages listening to the news on the radio. After a while I took some medicine and went to sleep.

Last night was the best sleep that I’ve had since coming here. It was to be expected given the conditions and I woke up at 3:50am, a whole hour after the usual time. It was still dark so I thought I’d just go back to sleep. I fell asleep again quickly and then woke up two hours later. I really needed more rest after all. The monk’s life had taken a toll on my body and it really showed. There’s a large mirror in the bathroom and only now am I aware of how skinny I had become.

I spent a while listening to the news on the radio. It really is all about the coronavirus and it was constantly developing. I had finished all the Buddhist books and comics that Tan B. passed to me and found a particularly good quote in the photo book about words being meaningless unless they are actioned.

Tan Ajahn came by while I was listening to the radio and I openly admitted it. He didn’t seem to mind and said to just listen to the coronavirus news and not music. I asked him about it and he said that it was getting worse and that he’s shutting down the monastery as a precaution. This meant no alms round and there would only be three kitchen staff to help out. Wow, I wonder how that will be.

Later on I took a walk to the bowl drying shed at around six and ran into the other monks so I said hello. I went to check on what was going to happen tomorrow. Just like Tan Ajahn had said, there’s no alms round in the schedule.

I woke up at around three even though I didn’t have an alarm. I think my body is already used to it. The cuboid pillow is not that comfortable so I didn’t sleep so well. The soft mattress takes some getting used to when you’ve been on solid wood for so long.

I still don’t know how this fever came about. Last night before I went to bed Tan R. dropped off some Nam Pana and he suggested that it might have been tonsillitis because of pain swallowing. He was very kind and I’m all the more thankful. It feels bad to not be going to morning chanting or the alms round and still getting to eat. The food did come a bit later but they had to wait until ovata was over. Ajahn S. delivered the food to me in a bowl and I had to move the contents to my own bowl. He did give me a massive amount and I ended up with diarrhoea after the meal. I think that’s what happens now when I overeat.

Later Tan Ajahn came for a visit to ask how I was doing. Yesterday Tan B. dropped off some comics and photo books related to Buddhism. Tan Ajahn saw those and said that I should take an MP3 player too. He went and got it for me but I was engaged in the toilet when he came by so I couldn’t thank him properly. It contained many recordings of Dhamma talks and chants. I don’t know how I will ever repay all that he’s done for me.

I could feel myself getting better slowly throughout the day and spent as much time as possible resting on the mattress. I know that I shouldn’t get used to it too much otherwise it will be painful again back on the wooden floor.

Tan R. came by to deliver the Nam Pana once more and shone a torch down my throat and confirmed that my tonsils were very red on one side. He said he would come back with some salt and a thermos and gargling some of that would help. Nen P. came by and we had a nice chat and it feels like although times were harder than usual with people being ill and no laymen to help, they are getting by because they are monks after all.

I then decided to walk back to my kuti to pick up some more amenities so I could stay here longer if need be. The path looked so different somehow now that I wasn’t walking it every day and so many leaves had fallen.

On the way back I ran into Nen J. at the new bot and he came by and we had a nice chat. It’s all about the coronavirus now at Sangha Tea and people were becoming more cautious. Later on in the evening Tan R. came by again and said that they will let Dton and the doctor know tomorrow about my condition. Being here is comfortable on the body but hard on the mind as I know everyone is picking up the slack that I’ve left behind.