Today was the last full day in Chiang Mai and I woke up feeling more tired than usual. Also had a nose bleed which is not a great sign. After the morning chanting, a doctor who was one of the meditators offered me some anti-inflammatory drugs and some spray for joint pain and I need to thank him properly later somehow after monkhood. They really helped and the pain during the evenings significantly lessened.

The final full day turned out to be pretty interesting. Myself and Tan M. had to be interviewed by the owner of the estate in front of all the attendants. It turned out that Tan M. was from a family of renowned silk-makers that created work according to traditional Thai E-Sarn techniques. It was easy to glean that he must have been a rather influential person by the way that he spoke and how many people already seemed to know him.

When it was my turn, I just gave my answers as honestly as possible. Our backgrounds couldn’t have been more different but with this new-found mindset of non-attachment and letting go, it was surprisingly easy to do. The interview session ended with photos which went on for a while. Afterwards I had a chance to speak to Ajahn and he warmly calmed my fears about Wat Pah Nanachat and reassured me that I would really enjoy it and make lots of friends there.

Later in the evening there was a chance for all the attendants (monks included) to gently mingle. This was the first time since the start of the retreat that anyone could talk to anyone else at all. If one couldn’t feel the contrast in how relaxed the atmosphere had become, one could certainly hear it. My mum introduced me to another guy who had spent a pansa (3 months during the rainy season) at Wat Pah Nanachat and I think he scared the hell out of her. I was somewhat disturbed as he spoke about bugs, snakes and the like but hopefully since I’m going during winter and not the rains, it should be significantly different. I wasn’t going to back out now at any rate.

Actually the point of talking to Ajahn Jaya was to ask about keeping my purposely downgraded feature-phone only for emergencies. In most temples in Thailand monks do have personal phones but forest monks do not have the same privilege, unless he reached a certain level of seniority. Ajahn elaborated about how he thought it was good that at least they had a rule there, but also understood that things might change in the future when you have a new generation of monks who’ve never known a life without a phone. In the end I decided to give my phone back to mum and will work something out if there’s an emergency. It made a lot sense to be rid of it if I was going to go all-in with this retreat.

I’ve definitely gotten in to the routine now and getting better at meditation too. My problem was (especially in the early morning) falling asleep. There’s such a fine line between being in that clear state of mind and awareness and dosing off. The key for me was to somehow support myself as I was toppling over, which I was doing quite a lot. I would exert a little tension in my arms making them a pillar for the upper body.

Everything was essentially the same today other than that in the afternoon I was Ajahn’s attendant. A group of people would take turns in the space of about 2 hours to ask Ajahn for guidance about personal issues. According to the rules, a monk cannot be alone with a woman so he would need another monk or man to be present. The questions were mostly related to careers, businesses and all sorts of life’s complications.

At first I found it contradictory for them to expect a monk to provide guidance to such questions at a retreat like this where many of the teachings around the not-self and letting go directly opposed the premise of those questions. Ajahn J. made a good point and general advice to me that we should not judge the questions or people themselves (as they almost always involve aspects of money or ego) but focus on how the decisions they make will affect their mental state and how it will form the basis of their moral compass going forward.

Another thing that came to mind was how uniquely Thai this whole thing was. In Western cultures I guess you’d have the so-called “experts”, life-coaches, self-help books, psychiatrist and what not. Instead in Thailand, people end up going to witch-doctors, fortune tellers and often times monks for similar purposes.

Ajahn Jaya would often ask about the intentions behind those decisions and when put in perspective of the Dhamma, the answers would often reveal themselves. There were some other questions related to meditation techniques as well but I didn’t think they were very interesting. My legs were definitely dead by the end though as I had to sit in the papiap pose the whole time. There was a 15 minute break between each group so it was perfect for switching sides.

The left knee is seriously struggling now and it’s going to take some sort of miracle to survive the next few days. The hope is that at the next monastery there will be less sitting cross-legged. There will be other things to make up for it I’m sure. I’m slowly getting used to walking on the tarmac although there’s still a long way to go until my feet are as rough and tough as Tan A.

I received a small lecture from Tan F. after the meal. The food is laid out in a buffet style and monks queue up in order of seniority. Apparently all monks must remain in the same starting order when acquiring your food, regardless of how slow the person in front of you may be. I think I overtook either him or Tan M. because they ended up talking to someone for a time so I assumed they were preoccupied. I thought it made sense to overtake because not only was the novice monk waiting behind me, but everyone else was waiting for the monks to get their food. Apparently I was wrong.

While resting at the balcony my inquiring mind got the better of me and I started randomly asking about monk fashion as I noticed that they all had different ways of securing the lower cloth. Fashion is too strong a word, it’s only really the different ways in which you can fold and roll the lower cloth to create tension and then secure the knot with the belt, which often times you don’t even see as it’s covered. It was fascinating to see the variations between all the monks but in hindsight I admit it might have been a really weird question for the monks to receive. At Nam Pana there were some Haribos that Ajahn often received from the lay people and since they’re not easy to come by in Thailand, I thought it best to warn the other monks that they’re something best taken in moderation.

Tan F. came over to our room and taught us some stretches as I had been complaining about my knee pain. They were super useful in stretching the legs, groin and back and it was a pleasant bonding session for us in isolation. There’s such a stark contrast between his persona as a simple elderly monk and as a teacher. I’m not sure if this was a Thai or an Asian thing in general where teachers feel the need to strictly impose themselves on their students and all lessons are taught in a serious and assertive tone. I did ask him to tell me if I ever did something wrong so he’s definitely keeping his side of the bargain. Anyhow, whether you’re a teacher or a Buddhist monk, an opportunity to get to know someone in a more casual setting can go a long way.

The morning started off cold as usual but I’m finally starting to get into the groove of it now. The outer robe is folded to be used as a shoulder cloth during chanting and is a little irritating as it slowly slides off over time. Focus during both sitting and walking meditation was still challenging however. Hopefully it will come with time like everything else. The meal was good though as there was a large selection that could be easily eaten with the hand and it was good to get in some practice. Sticky rice was easy, normal rice less so.

While the memory of walking barefoot on the road was still fresh, it would soon be an inescapable daily occurrence. Therefore I decided to go barefoot to the walking meditation area as the route went through a tiny stretch of tarmac. The real reason though was because I felt pressured as the novice monk did it first. How could I be a more senior monk and not do it!? At the moment my left knee is completely obliterated by 2pm. If not, the Q&A session will do it.

I’m getting along with all the monks here and Buddhist monks are the kindest and most considerate group of people one could ever hope to encounter. There are some old faces as well in the crowd too but I haven’t seen them in so many years and it would be more than inappropriate to wave.

The evening meditation sessions were starting to get better. It’s amazing how much one’s body can endure the more you do something. Not that my knee has any choice if I’m going to survive the next couple of months though.

This morning was bloody freezing, the coldest I’ve felt in a long while. Never thought I’d say that in Thailand. Many contributing factors though, a lack of heating being the most obvious. The bad haircut didn’t help either. Luckily thanks to a last minute offering from an aunt in the form of a wool hat, that was taken care of. I woke up at around 3:15am and got to the chanting area before Ajahn, so need to keep this up for the rest of the week.

It was liberating too to simply accept my position as a new monk and read from the book. The fear of being judged was after all entirely irrational as in hindsight, I wasn’t fooling anyone in my monk act. I’ve been doing it a few days and I wasn’t going to know anything. Even with a blanket it was still bitterly cold so not much meditation was achieved.

The cold got to me so much that I almost decided that I would forgo the morning snack altogether and hide under the duvet for a while. Soon I realised that I didn’t really have a choice in the matter because if a more senior monk was present, then I needed to be present too. This was one of the few occasions where you wanted to do the washing up because the water coming out of the tap was relatively warm.

Then it was again a cycle of:

• 45 minutes sitting meditation
• 45 minutes walking meditation
• 45 minutes sitting meditation

which was then followed by the meal. I got a smaller portion again but this time it was because I was looking for hand-friendly food (to practice as that was apparently how monks ate at Wat Pah Nanachat) and there weren’t that many. In the end I just used a spoon anyway. Tan M. went through step by step about how to carry all the bowls and eating utensils in one go as I would be need to be able to do it soon.

The routine was becoming familiar now. Walking meditation was still rather ineffective as I was still only trying to avoid being impaled by twigs on the ground. The Q&A session was painful like yesterday and I think the problem will persist this entire week.

The evening chanting went as well as expected. The left knee was dying later on in the day, but still dying regardless. A new senior monk joined us for the evening which meant every other monk had to shift one seat sideways. So I got to sit behind a large pillar so at least there were fewer eyeballs to see me shuffle my legs around.