Damn the clock! Entirely my fault for having an old school analogue alarm clock which turned out to be as imprecise as I had feared. The alarm hand was pointing somewhat at 4 but it ended up going off at 4:15. This did not help when I had to be in the meditation area seated in front of everyone by 4:30. It was taking me about 15 minutes alone just to put on the main robe. I was able to get there, put my sitting cloth down (there’s a cloth for that too) and prostrate 3 times just as the chanting started. We were gently reprimanded and will need to be there by 4am for the rest of the retreat.

Each day starts off with morning chanting from 4:30 to 5:15. I had completely forgotten how long Pali-Thai chanting was and how much pressure quickly built up on the knees and toes. On each seat (monks included) was a chanting book and I didn’t use it at first because I thought it would look embarrassing for a monk to not know the Pali chants, and I was just mumbling something incoherent pretending to know.

Fortunately a guy nearby handed the book to me and even opened it at the right page. I have to be very thankful to him because later on there was a monk-only chant section. It would be immediately obvious at that point if I was still mumbling something and absolutely wrong. This was followed by a meditation session for 45 minutes. I didn’t bring a blanket or anything of the sort so my right arm (which is always exposed) froze right off. So much for getting any meditation done.

After sitting meditation session we went for walking meditation in the woods for another 45 minutes. You are supposed to focus on your body’s sensations and each and every contact of your feet with the ground as you walk. Monks all did it barefoot so I followed suite. However, I couldn’t help but notice my flip-flops when we returned to where we had taken them off. One side was upside down, likely because I took it off in a hurry. Again this was seen as setting a bad example as monks should always be tidy, measured and mindful.

This was followed by another 45 minutes of sitting meditation before the meal. The meal was awkward as someone came to help pick up my bowl for me so I was really confused as to what to do next. I took only a little food since I had learnt my lesson from yesterday, and to give myself more time to observe what the other monks did. Again I was very confused as I returned to my seat, someone returned the bowl to me with the food in it (here we ate everything in the one bowl), but I had absolutely no idea what to do with it. It’s not like where normally we just eat food from the table. I think I left the bowl open without the lid in front of me but the correct ordering should be

• Receive the bowl from the person carrying it for you
• Put the lid back over it
• Put it the bowl to the side out of the way
• Prostrate to the Buddha 3 times and then sit down to wait for others

In hindsight the sequence of events seems obvious but at the time I must have been panicking and confused.

Another sitting meditation and walking meditation sessions followed, each for 45 minutes. Then we had a Q&A session with Ajahn Jaya in the woods. The meditators attending would send in anonymous questions and Ajahn would pick some out and provide thoughtful answers for all the people attending. The entire time the monks would simply sit in full display of every one else, silent yet present. The old bamboo platform that we sat on was marginally too small and the edges would dig into my legs as we sat in the papiap posture. Slight movement would make the whole thing creak, disturbing the harmony as Ajahn contemplated and elaborately responded to each inquiry. Suffice to say, my knees were in absolutely agony by the end.

We then returned to the dwellings for Nam Pana or the tea break which lasted for about an hour. I took this chance to ask the novice monk to help me with the page numberings and the top few chants to be aware of. The most important one seems to be the meal time blessing as it’s used every day. Tan A. also gave me a small handbook to use, which contained all the most common blessings and chants.

In the evening we had the chanting and meditation session where I managed absolutely no mindfulness as my legs and knees were near breaking point. At least now I’ve learnt how to swap the papiap posture from one side to the other without revealing my legs.

papiap (Thai) A common sitting posture in monasteries, with one leg folded sideways to the back.

This will likely be the last day in a long while where I can wake up this late. I felt more refreshed than ever, even though I slept little between 4 and 7. This time the meal was a distance away within the estate so we had to go there wearing the main robe covering the shoulder, which was a little alarming as I never eaten with the robe in that fashion before. This was the way that the robe must be worn when leaving one’s monastery or dwelling. I took a little spoon as well which was ultimately vital as there were none.

There was a great variety of food and I ended up with a healthy portion myself. The problem started with the pre-meal chant as I had no idea about any of them. The novice monk kindly helped me with one passage but beyond that I was lost again. I just mumbled through it pretending to know, hoping that no one would notice.

The meal started off well enough. The bowl was right in front of me, the cup was to the side, the clothes were staying on and I had a spoon. Then I began to panic as I suddenly realised that everyone else was finishing when I was only half way through. I wonder if they were going at the same pace as the most senior monk. I had to gulp down the last half of my bowl as quickly as possible which left me feeling a lump in my chest and tightness in my stomach. Sitting on the floor the whole time didn’t help either

After the meal I had to put the bowl covering cloth back on so it could be carried back and doing that in a hurry while my robe was falling off was stressful to say the least. I finally managed, the whole time being very careful not to let the lid fall off which only added to the pressure. In the end the robe was becoming undone so I simply stood up and started putting on the robe again from the beginning just out of sight. Afterwards we sat back down again for the post meal blessing and I didn’t want to ever remove my robes again because it’s such a pain to put them on. We came back and cleaned the bowls and dried then together as a group.

Tan A. told me that apparently at Wat Pah Nanachat they wear the robes double layered (combined with the outer robe) for the alms round and he taught me how. I was already struggling with just one. Ajahn J. joined in to help as well and eventually they made it look presentable. Tan M. was scaring me slightly about life at Wat Pah Nanachat since he spent a week there before joining this retreat. This week will seem like a dream in comparison.

The evening chant went by without any problems. There’s 45 minutes of chanting followed by 45 minutes of meditation. The meditators had all turned up by now and I saw mum too which was nice. The monks sat together along one side of the room and the meditators sat facing them. I very nearly kicked over a glass which would have been a disastrous first act as a monk in public. I did leave the chanting book on the floor when it should have been on the cushion, which was seen as disrespectful. It was a little uncomfortable as Tan F. had to reprimand me in front of the fifty or so people in the room.

The robe didn’t come undone at any time during the chanting and meditation. I held onto it constantly, even during the meditation which made it difficult to meditate. My legs had their fair share of complaints as I sat unmoved and cross-legged for 45 minutes.

My mum had told me that I needed to prepare for the potential cold snap in the north of Thailand. I thought she should know me better, after all I’ve spent my life in the U.K. Then again, mums are always right. I think it went down to 10 degrees. Combined with high levels of humidity and no heating or insulation to speak of, it was possibly the coldest I’ve ever felt in my life. At least when I had to stand in the snow storm for 3 hours in New York I was wrapped up and waterproof.

On this retreat we won’t have to go on an alms round, which I wouldn’t mind doing right now as any means to get warmed up was welcome. At 6am the monks would have a light snack by ourselves and we would do the cleaning up afterwards. Ajahn Jaya left with 2 other monks and a novice monk to visit a school nearby. That left me alone with Tan F. who’s teaching me the basic ins and outs from scratch.

Yesterday he taught me that the bowl should not be on a raised platform for there’s potential for it to fall off. It must also be placed next to your head when you sleep. He’s a very pleasant old man, firm in his teachings but also rather forgetful, which made me feel less guilty as I bombard him with questions before he forgets. He taught me how to fold the main robe properly when not wearing it, how to properly clean the bowl after a meal and all the ceremony that’s needed before, during and after a meal.

Another aspect which I had not really thought of when wanting to get ordained was that at all times you must set an example be presentable to the public at large. I guess I never expected to be in front of the public as a monk so soon. Also severe punishment would be in order for dropping the bowl lid on an alms round, which I’ve already done.

I was missing a piece of cloth (when I already had so many) that’s used as a napkin during the meal and to dry the bowl after the meal. Each piece of cloth is special for they make one of the few requisites that a monk must keep. Each piece is dedicated to a specific task and a ceremony must be carried out by the monk himself to raise awareness to that fact. This involved a few chants followed by drawing 3 dots to the corner of the cloth so if another monk comes across it, they will know that it is already owned by another.

At meal time, senior family friends who are also attending the retreat came to offer food and seeing them bow down before me was an awkward yet humbling experience. Apparently my parents are very worried and they probably knew how it would turn out. This concept of prostrating in front of others is still very alient to me, especially as the recipient of it. I will think of it for now as simply an extended version of the anjali and nothing more.

Tan. F helped me with carrying out these chants and ceremonies to ‘let go’ and then re-assign each piece of clothing to a particular task. A monk should only have the exact number of requisites as needed by the practice. These are:

• 1 main robe
• 1 lower cloth
• 1 outer robe
• 2 undergarments

The first 3 are the known as the primary robes and these must be kept within reach of you at sunrise every day.

I was taught a chant which took the form of some sort of admission/answer dialogue. It’s about asking for forgiveness of wrongdoings that may have been committed. He also shaved my head and eyebrows again as today is supposedly the right day, I’m not sure why. He also told me that at Wat Pah Nanachat they shave every 2 weeks.

He then asked if I had any money on me and I had to say yes as I did and I wasn’t going to lie. Straight away things took a serious turn as forest monks take the issue of holding money very seriously and I was told to just “own up to it and throw it away”. This was not what I was told at my previous monastery in Bangkok where I was told that holding money is fine but using it is not. Either way I had to wait and informed Ajahn Jaya as soon as he got back.

He was completely unfazed by it and said that while this is true that monks should not hold money, 99% of monks in Thailand still do and the problem is the potential conflict of interest or fraud that could (and still does) occur. He told me to give it to someone who could then give it to Mum when she came the next day.

One of the senior monks was tasked with chanting the Patimokkha which is the 227 main rules that monks must keep as part of the discipline. It must have taken him almost a whole hour and it’s a wonder that he remembered 99% of it. There’s no way that I could ever manage to chant for that long from memory. I think the event is for the purpose of reminding the monks of the discipline required of the practice.

Although I managed to stay in the same sitting pose throughout the whole chant, I had to keep stretching at times to release the pressure on my back. I’m sure everyone noticed it as it was hard to be subtle. In the end I failed miserably to kneel-walk to and from Ajahn Jaya to pay respects as every other monk had done as my knees were in too much pain.

It was with deep sense of guilt when I started the day and carried out the alms round wearing sandals. Tan N. explicitly made the point to me as we were leaving (You are wearing shoes, said he) but my excuse was that I had to travel today. The real reason was that the walk was so painful yesterday and the blisters have yet to recover so I wanted a rest. I was considering not doing the alms round at all but I thought between that and doing it with shoes, the lay people would understand as they would also notice that I was the new monk.

Afterwards we had breakfast and then said my farewells to the abbot. My parents picked me up and we left for Don Mueng airport at 10am. Here I managed to get one last fried chicken meal (provided for by my parents of course as monks can’t buy their own food). Thai people’s respect for monks still exists in so many places. All the airport staff seemed especially courteous and the women made sure to keep their distance (it is forbidden for monks to touch women at all).

The flight was fast and I had a seat in the front row. Unfortunately since I was still a newbie when it came to keeping my robes on I had to ask the flight attendant to help store my travel bag above because I was afraid that my clothes would fall off in the process.

I finally got the Baan Por and it was a blissfully calm sanctuary. I finally met Ajahn Jayasaro again and straight away he taught me the protocol, about how to don my clothes properly and bow three times when meeting a more senior monk. He also taught me the proper way of folding the main robe properly to carry it over your shoulder.

Then he proceeded to tell me about all the rules that I should’ve been told about straight after ordination regarding serious offences that could lead to expulsion from the practice. They didn’t seem like anything out of the ordinary and rather common sense to me given the level of discipline required for the practice. I got the air that he could be a rather serious and strict teacher should the need arise.

I am beginning to have second thoughts as my assumption was that there would be a lot more focus on the ‘practice’ which I took to mean meditation and mindfulness. It’s early days yet so I’m keeping an open mind. I’m sharing a room with a novice monk and it was evident straight away that he’s being doing this for much longer than I have.

I soon met another senior monk from the next room and was reprimanded as I left my alms bowl near my feet. As an object of respect, it should be kept next to your head. Also the lid must be placed in a certain way to let the bowl be properly aired after washing. Every chat with the novice monk would induce a sense of guilt as each time he would display a great deal of respect which I was absolutely unworthy of. He also seems to have the magical ability to wake up at 3 or 4am daily without an alarm clock.

On second thoughts this place is not as peaceful as I thought as you can hear ambulances going by with some regularity. There’s also either a bar or restaurant nearby blaring country music in the evening. The novice monk seems to keep a diary as well. Either that or he’s learning some chants that I should also really know.

The moment he stepped in I could picture the scene where we would somehow be compared but I think the only way to avoid that is to keep to myself and focus on the practice the best I can. The novice monk does have an absurdly flexible back as he can sit cross legged and bend down to write in front of him. The night is going to be cold and I feel very sorry for him since he doesn’t have a hat.

It may have been obvious but it would be an understatement to say that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Even so, I was left to my own devices most of the time. Normally new monks would have much to learn, from knowing how to put on your robes properly to how to compose yourself on alms rounds. I was never taught much at my first monastery and I think it was because the abbot knew that the practices of the ‘house’ monks are not the same as the forest monks in the distant provinces. He wanted me to have a clean slate.

The experience was the necessary first step into understanding what the life of the Theravada Buddhist monk entailed. Whether it be walking barefooted on roads, no consumption of food stuff after midday or meditation for long periods, there was a lesson to be learned from all these activities. After all we were not born with already thick soles nor soft mattresses to cushion our joints. The human body has been around for hundreds of thousands of years and has had plenty of time to hone itself.

The ordination day itself was another surprise. Personally I would’ve preferred a quiet affair, just myself and my parents to see me don the robes and then leave for a while. In fact in Thailand these are auspicious occasions where extended families are involved too, if not out of obligation then out of the belief that they will receive good karma by helping someone into monk-hood. The biggest surprise was seeing a whole cast of musicians and people nearby turn up out of nowhere and got involved too. If anything, it showed that the Buddhist tradition is very much alive and well, even if it was only a small monastery just outside of Bangkok.

For the next few entries I will be going to Chiang Mai in the north of Thailand on a meditation retreat with a few other forest monks. This retreat occurs once a year and is a week long event for about 130 lay meditators and 8 monks. I had no idea about how any of this would turn out and it was like being thrown into the deep end. To spend your time alone is one thing. To be setting an example in front of a hundred others is quite another. It would also be where I will be learning for first time many practices that set apart the forest monks.